As I age I find myself torn between where I see myself going in the future, all of the new things that I hope to experience, all of the new thoughts I hope to have, all of the new adventures I hope to go on and all of the stories of the past and where they took me and what I have learned from those events and research I have undertaken.
Some have said that I spend too much time in the past. I’m always re-living things I’ve already done. Obsessing on select times with and without certain people. Focussing on the study of my ancestors and those of others. For what purpose? Time wasted that is leaving me stagnant in pursuing the things that are needed and wanted, whether it be getting the house cleaned, buying new furniture, traveling around the world, as most of my fellow retirees do, experiencing the now.
Then there are those that say I focus too much on the future. What new technology is coming out. I’m retired! Why do I get to do what I want while others have to continue working or going to school? Why do I try to do so many things at once rather than focus on accomplishing one task at a time?
This is where I’m torn. I sort of like what I do. There are times I enjoy being with others and doing new things and being out and about. There are times I like working at my own pace and not being held accountable for what gets done and when, reliving and expanding upon things that I’ve done.
Bottom line is I can’t please all, including myself. I live in a world where there is no line between past and future. My son at his wedding spoke about the fluidity of time. How both the past, present and future are intertwined. It is not a timeline, but a connected mass of points that all interact with one another. Some things that one can consider destiny happen because of this fluidity.
So that’s how I end up where I am, torn between the past, present and future. Enjoying the things that I have done, the world where I am now, and the places that I have yet to see. I’m glad that I have the people I live and interact with to follow and join me on this journey between the ancient and the new.
