My First Day

My First Day or Substitute teaching is no fairytale

It was my first day subbing in this district. Trust me, this is no ordinary district. At least the class I was assigned to wasn’t ordinary. I was to teach a literature lesson to a unique bunch of students. How they managed to put this group together is beyond me. 

In my 40 years of teaching, I had my share of challenging students in any given class; however, they were never all in the same class at the same time. I thought I was prepared. 

I stood in the front of the classroom as students glided in. Well, some did. When Tigg entered, he literally bounced in. In fact, I couldn’t get him to stop bouncing. He kept commenting about it being a wonderful thing to do. 

Then there was Cindy, who more or less hobbled in. She was only wearing one shoe; more like a slipper if you ask me. And who wears slippers made out of glass? 

When Punzey came in, her hair was so long that the students behind her kept slipping on it. When she finally found a desk near an open window, she just gathered up her hair and tossed it out the window. It seems she was used to doing that. 

When the twins Hansel and Gretel came in, I couldn’t help but notice they were leaving bread crumbs on the floor behind them. According to the teacher’s notes, they get lost a lot. 

Well, they all got in and took their seats. That is, except for Goldy. She just couldn’t find a seat that suited her. “This one’s too hard.” “This one is not close enough to the door,” “This one is so fragile, if I sit on it, I’m sure it will break.” This went on and on for the whole time she was there. 

When I took attendance, I discovered some of them had quirky names and behaviors. I asked one student, who was a real pain in the Rump, what his name was, and he wouldn’t tell me. He said I had to guess it, and if I didn’t guess it right in three days, I would have to give him my firstborn child. I tried guessing a few names to no avail and then gave up. I can’t imagine that he really would take my 30-year-old child. 

This girl, Red, came in, and when she found her seat, I was going to point out to her that hats weren’t to be worn in the classroom. I considered hoodies to be pretty much the same as hats; when suddenly, I heard a great scream.

“AHH! A SPIDER!”

It seems that Muffy had arachnophobia and was deathly afraid of spiders. When seen, Muffy just got up and ran out of the classroom. 

Once everyone was in their seats, I attempted to start the lesson but was interrupted more than once. First, the hall monitor, Mr. Troll, complained that some gruff kids wanted to come in late and that he, Mr. Troll,  would make sure they couldn’t. I did see three kids named Bill, Billy, and William. They made it into the classroom one at a time, each claiming they were the “Greatest Of All Time.” Just before the last one entered, there was this great howl then a thump coming from the hall. Before I could react, I was told by one of the students that this happened every day and I should ignore it. 

Then, a girl named Bo popped her head into the room and asked if anyone had seen her iPhone. She said she must have lost it somewhere and didn’t know where to find it. She said it had a sheepskin cover. It was suggested that if she went home, it would probably turn up there. Again, I was told that this was another daily occurrence. 

I tried to start the lesson again. Before I could get a word out, Mary, sitting in the front row, screamed, “I can’t believe it followed me here again!”  Mary got up and ran out of the room to catch something, a dog or a cat, maybe? Everyone in the room just broke out laughing and playing. I found out later on the animal was a lamb. Who keeps a lamb as a pet nowadays?

I surveyed the room once everyone calmed down and got back in their seats. Most of the students were looking at me, waiting for instructions. I noticed Jack take a gold pen from another student’s desk and pocket it. I would have said something, but the other student was very big, and I figured I’d let the big guy deal with it, hopefully when I wasn’t around.

Then there was Queeny. She wasn’t looking my way at all. All she was looking at was a pocket mirror. I could hear her mumble how beautiful she was, more beautiful than anyone else in the world. 

Of course, there were the sleepers, Beauty and Alice. Clearly, they had been up all night partying and couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. Beauty was dead to the world with her head down on her desk. I’m not sure if anyone could wake her up.  On the other hand, Alice was sitting up with her eyes closed and clearly daydreaming. I have no idea what she was dreaming about. She kept muttering things like, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!” and “Twinkle, Twinkle, little bat!” and “Off with her head!” Again, as long as she remained relatively quiet, I wouldn’t wake her up. 

I decided to ignore all the distractions and start for the third time when I heard a loud horn trumpeting from afar. 

The whole class cheered. “Hurray! He finally woke up!” Then, they all got up and ran out of the room. 

 I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea what just happened. Luckily for me, one of the students, Winnie, lagged behind and approached me. 

“I thought you taught your lesson quite well, even though everyone says I’m just one with a very little brain,” he said.

“That’s silly,” I replied, “I never even started teaching a lesson.”

 I guess that makes sense. My friend Christopher always tells me I’m just being a silly old bear. But, whatever it was you did do, you did it very well.” 

“Thanks, I guess. Where did everyone go?”

Winnie explained, “When Boy Blue blows his horn, it means that school is over and we should all go home. We never know when that will be, for you see, Blue naps a lot near school in a meadow under a haystack, and he wakes up, well, when he wakes up.”

Winnie thanked me again, turned, and left the classroom to go home. 

Well, that was my first day subbing. What did I do next? I gave up subbing, that’s what I did. Instead, I decided to devote my life to writing and storytelling. Maybe I can tell about this adventure. I’m sure there’s a story to be found in it somewhere.