Happy Talk
I am an optimistic person who looks for the positive in things. I acknowledge the negatives, which I balance against the positives when making decisions and reacting to others.
I worked for an administrator who graduated from the school of thought that you must always play up the positives. It was the only way to build self-esteem in students and teachers.
Every year I came into his office for my yearly evaluation, he always started with how wonderful I was. Everything I did was great. But it didn’t end there. Before I left his office, my faults and things he wanted to see changed were brought up.
Where my praises flowed out of his mouth, my faults were very direct and clearly the intention of what he really wanted from this meeting.
Happy, positive talk is one thing, but for it to be part of a pattern of setting me up for a fall is disingenuous, especially when he hadn’t observed most of the things he was giving me positive feedback about.
Towards the end of my career, I changed my tactics at these meetings. I would go into the meeting and say, “Let’s start with the but.” You know what I mean, “I am a wonderful person who does all of these wonderful things; I am great, and everyone loves me, but here’s what you really want to discuss about me. Start with the but.”
It never worked. I guess once one is fixated on building someone up with happy, thoughtless talk before they become truthful with you, they don’t change. That’s very sad.
I do not profess that you should be bitterly forthright in discussions with others from the get-go. But to always have a pattern of happy talking to everyone and being falsely super positive all of the time makes real praise meaningless. It sounds rote. It sounds like you’re saying it because you have to. It’s not the real you.
You know everything you do is great. You’re a wonderful person. Everyone loves you. There are so many things you do well. (well, nothing comes to mind right now, but I’m sure there are things.) Blah, blah, blah, but…
Be honest with yourself and others. Be willing to listen and accept change. Show compassion and empathy. Be positive, real, and sincere. Don’t make what you say to others become habit and predictable; that’s not how you gain respect and trust.
It’s been a pleasure sharing this with you. Come back soon.
