Finding my brother – Part 5

Part 5

In the early 1970’s when I was teaching 6th grade, I was invited to one of my student’s house for dinner with her family. This was a very close knit family. They had a big house, with a pool table and ping pong table in their basement, and a number of musical instruments that various members of their household played. I stayed at their house until 12:30 a.m. playing games and music with the family. I would be invited to their house a number of times that year. The warmth and welcomeness of all the family members, from parents to kids, was incredible. I should have been happy when I got home, but I wasn’t. I was somewhat depressed. I thought about my own family and how though we lived together, we didn’t have that kind of warmth. My parents didn’t get along all of the time, We rarely sat and did things together. I remember calling up my sister Leslie after one of my visits and telling her how I felt and how I wish we had had that kind of family. Her reply was that someday I would, with my own kids and family. It was somewhat consoling but I was still sad about what I had missed.

I did grow up and have the close family that I wanted. My wife, my son, my sisters and their families have become that family that I missed having. I feel for my brother Franz and what he missed, never knowing his father; his mother dying when he was so young; the family that he could have been part of living an ocean away not even knowing whether he existed or not. He, too, had to wait for his own wife, children and grandchildren, his second wife and her children and grandchildren and now us to have a family that we all should belong to. In addition to when I met my wife and when David was born, Franz’s meeting with our family was one of the coolest things that I’ve ever been part of.

The Thanksgiving/Chanukah event that Friday was to be a meeting of new people. Not only was it the first time the whole family had been together in many years, but three new pieces were being introduced. There was Franz and Cathy, my nephew Michael and his wife Lia were bringing their 4-1/2 month old baby, Sawyer, and my son David was coming with his significant other, Lara. Any one of those could have put the new person or their family (in the case of Sawyer) on the spot, but because it all happened at the same time, it diffused it enough so that no one had to feel that everyone was focussed on them.

I left Franz and Cathy at my sister’s on Wednesday to go home. Thursday, my wife Christina and I picked up David and Lara from the Connecticut ferry so that Friday we could all travel by car to my sister’s house. We planned on staying overnight at a local hotel so we could also be with my sisters, Franz and Cathy on Saturday before going home.

When we arrived at Leslie and Hank’s house almost everyone was there. I introduced Christina, David and Lara to Franz and Cathy. I let David introduce Lara around to his cousins and aunt and uncle who hadn’t met her yet.  It wasn’t long before we all were assembled and since it was still light outside we gathered in front of their house for a group picture. Brad, Leslie’s son, took the timed picture. He also took a picture of just Franz, my sisters and me. For Franz and Cathy it was an introduction to their new family of 21.

Following the photo we all went inside and stood around chatting while dinner was being prepared. It was very crowded and noisy. The kids were being kids, running around and playing with each other. We were all in the kitchen at this point. The adults were all talking in small groups. Franz and Cathy had split up to talk to different people. At one point when Franz was talking to me about his heart operation, Cathy was a few feet away talking to someone else about some other topic. If you think it is hard to understand a language that you are just learning when you are in conversation with just one person, try to maintain concentration when there are two different French conversations going on to different people all within range of your hearing. It wasn’t easy. I was listening to Franz tell my nephew Michael (who also understands and can speak French) all about his stroke and what happened at the hospital. We both got the gist of what he was saying. Two things helped me with my understanding. First was context. I discovered when Franz or Cathy were speaking in French and if I came in during the middle of what they were discussing, that if I did not know what the conversation was about, I had a lot of difficulty understanding what they were saying. If I did know what the topic of conversation was about, more of the words made sense. The second thing that helped me was that Franz was using his hands to point to different parts of his body as he was explaining things, like when he was describing the doctors putting in a catheter to his heart, his hand motions were showing me where it was done.

When speaking to someone who doesn’t completely understand your language you may start off slow to help them figure out what you’re saying. As you get wrapped up in your own story you tend to speed up and tell more details which makes understanding more difficult. As long as I was getting most of what was being said and could respond periodically, I didn’t feel it was necessary to share my ignorance of what I didn’t get to Franz. I’m sure this worked both ways, as I spoke in English to Franz or Cathy with their limited English skills.

Being the youngest in my family growing up, I always had to sit at the little kids table at festive occasions when their wasn’t enough room at the main table. This always happened at events such as weddings and bar mitzvahs. So it was with great pleasure that since there was not enough room at the main table at my sister’s house for everyone to sit, that I got to sit at the elder married couple table. Christina and I, Leslie and Hank, Marion and Stu, and Franz and Cathy. All of the children and grandchildren sat at the main table.  Franz had brought some pink champagne from France to share with the family. I’m not an alcoholic beverage drinker, but this champagne was good. There were many conversations about the champagne and wine, some political conversations about France and United States. At one point Michael joined us for the political discussions. The introduction of Franz and Cathy to our family was wonderful.

Following dinner, we had the lighting of the Chanukah candles and the passing out of gifts for the 2nd night of Chanukah. Cathy passed out all of the chocolates that she had prepared for everyone. Brad did his annual photo calendar scavenger hunt (each year Brad makes a photo calendar for each of us, which contain photos connected to the families that he is giving them to. He doesn’t label which calendar is for whom, so we all have to look through the scattered calendars and try to figure out which one is ours). Jen gave Franz and me t-shirts. Franz’s shirt said, “Je suis le frère aîné – I’m the big brother” and mine shirt said, “I’m the little brother – Je suis le frère cadet”. Christina, Marion and Leslie, got scarves from Cathy and I was given a stack of storytelling books in French. I’m getting better at reading some of the stories in them. Brad gave Franz and Cathy a giant framed picture which included pictures of our family.The evening was warm and festive.

Saturday morning David, Lara, Christina and I returned to spend more time with Cathy, Franz, Leslie, Hank, Marion and Brad. This would be the last time my sisters and I would all be together with Franz and Cathy before their return to France. Leslie had the idea to get a book of New York City photos to give to Franz and Cathy from the three of us. We inscribed the first page, “Dear Cathy and Franz, A souvenir of your first visit to America. Let it be the first of many. With love from your American Family.” and we signed it Marion, Leslie, Harvey.  

Before I came to New Jersey on Friday I went to our local North Shore beach, took some pictures and picked up a few stones with Christina’s help and shared them with my sisters as a possible gift to give to Franz from us to replace the stone he had left at our father’s grave. We agreed on which one to give.

We all got together for the gift giving. I ended up being the spokesperson for the three of us. Hank was there to help with the translations. We gave them the book and explained it was in remembrance of their visit. Cathy read the inscription and thanked us, tears welled up in all of our eyes. I then presented the stone to Franz, I said that because of what he gave up to our father (his stone), I had picked a special stone from our Long Island beach that was from all of us. The stone was to be for his continued good health and good luck; It was to represent our connection to Franz and Cathy, taken from my North Shore Beach, off of the Long Island Sound, which connected to the Atlantic Ocean and to France. Again Cathy spoke up “Merci, Beaucoup, beaucoup, beaucoup”. There was a period of silence as no one knew what to say. Hugs were given all around; it was very emotional. Then the doorbell rang and Leslie’s daughter Jane and her kids arrived breaking the spell and allowing us all to take a breath.

David and Lara left to visit one of their college friends. Christina and I stayed to hang out with my sisters, Brad, Jane, her kids, Franz and Cathy. Cathy shared with me a number of pictures of Franz growing up that she had brought; Brad helped me scan them so I can eventually put together some sort of family album for Franz. Franz taught a French game, “Le Drapeau Anglais” (The English Flag) to us. It is similar to tic-tac-toe. A game which I then taught to some of the classes that I teach when I sub and became very popular. At some point Franz’s daughter, Olivia, Skyped us from France, so we all got to see her and interact with her and some of her family.

Time wound down and it was time for Christina and I to leave to pick up David and Lara and go home. There were hugs and teary farewells. Franz and Cathy were to stay for 3 more days, but we didn’t speak or see them again while they were here.

Luck and fate had a lot to do with finding each other and our meeting and it continued as Franz and Cathy returned home. They had decided to come at this time because Cathy’s daughter, Emmanuelle, wasn’t due to give birth until mid-December. Their plane back to France left Newark Airport on December 3rd and arrived in France on December 4th. Emmanuelle gave birth to her daughter, Victoire, on December 5th.

We still keep in touch through Skype and e-mail, but not as much as we did prior to their visit. Things are pretty busy for Franz and Cathy on their side of the Atlantic. Cathy’s other daughter Laura gave birth to her daughter, Emma on March 4th. So now they have 2 more grandchildren to enjoy. All of us want to see Franz and his family in France sometime in the future. Until then though the ocean keeps us apart as Cathy aptly said, “We are still connected.”

We are family.