The Three Bears – Redux
To: Associated Press
Re: The Untold Truth
Dateline: Once Upon a Time
You’ve all heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Mama bear makes some porridge for the family, it’s too hot, so they leave their house while it cools down, forgetting to lock the door. Goldilocks, a rather nosy little girl, breaks into their house. However, with the door unlocked, that accusation is questionable. She tastes all of the bowls of porridge, consumes the porridge of the youngest bear, sits in all their chairs, breaks the chair of the youngest bear, goes upstairs and messes up all the bear’s beds, and is caught asleep in the youngest bear’s bed. Goldilocks supposedly jumps up and runs out of the house and is never seen again.
I’ve heard this story so many times that I decided I would personally do some of my own investigation as to the facts in this case. I needed to check out the Family Bear and see if any of this could have happened. You’ll be surprised at what I found.
The first time, I phoned ahead to make sure they were home. I said I was a great fan of theirs and wanted to meet them in person. I ended up going to their house multiple times.
When I got to their house the first time, to no surprise, the door was not locked at all. I decided not to knock on the door but to slip in quietly and stealthily do my investigation. I did this each subsequent time I went. I don’t believe that they ever knew I was there. Below is the picture that I took upon my first entrance:
Here are some of the things that I noticed during my visits.
Momma bear does none of the cooking. I doubt that she even knows how to make porridge. From what I could observe, she spends most of her time on her computer Twittering and on Facebook. When this picture was taken, she was actually e-mailing GLocks@hedgefund.com about some royalties that they were supposed to get from their published story.
Papa bear spends most of his day sleeping, either on the couch or on the comfy chairs they have throughout the house. The only hard chairs I saw were in the kitchen area. There is absolutely no way this big old cushy bear could sit or sleep on any hard furniture, let alone get up and go outside on an extended walk with the family. He’d be gasping for breath after taking a dozen steps.
That leaves us with “Baby” bear. I would hesitate to call him a baby. He’s more like a “Disaster” Bear. He’s the one that does most of the cooking. As you can see, he is not noted for his neatness. I’m unsure how or if they’ve ever cleaned their house. After all, they are bears, in case you hadn’t noticed. Baby bear tends to look after himself, and no one else seems to mind. Do you see either Momma or Papa scolding him for the mess he’s making? Those chairs around the table look pretty sturdy. It would take more than sitting on one to break it into pieces. Given some practice with an erector set, I’m sure it would take Baby bear seconds to take one of those chairs apart.
And then, there’s the going upstairs to see Goldilocks asleep in bed. Again, these are bears! They don’t live in split-level homes. They’re supposed to live in caves.
I guess that Goldilocks, if that’s her real name, hooked up with these bears in their cave, and they all came to some sort of business arrangement. She would purchase a house for them and provide them with all their needs, providing that they signed a non-disclosure agreement, so when she published the story that we are all familiar with, they couldn’t deny it. The money gained from the published story would be split somehow between the 4 of them. It’s estimated that they made millions on that story deal.
Do I have proof? Not yet, but I’m working on it. We still haven’t been able to locate Goldie, and I’m still waiting on a court order to seize Mama bear’s computer. I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. As I said, we’re talking about cutesy bears here. Certain animals generally get the benefit of the doubt in situations like these. Trust me, I know.
Respectfully submitted,
B.B. Wolfe
A member of Huff and Puff News Ltd.
