Spellbound
I followed the directions that the old woman gave me. She guaranteed positive results. The recipe called for two tablespoons of lemon juice (not concentrate) and 4 cups of used juice. It could be any kind she said though she didn’t define what she meant by used juice. I tried not to let my imagination run wild. I chose a bottle of prune juice that had been opened a week ago; so the jar was used.
The next ingredient was a wing from something that was never alive. This was trickier. Clearly, a bird’s wing or mosquito’s wing was not acceptable as they are living things. I decided that I would make a paper airplane and then tear off the wing and use that.
The last ingredient was 3 tablespoons of oils. Each tablespoon was to be of a different type of oil. I used Safflower Oil, Bath Oil, and Motor Oil.
The next step was to combine all of the ingredients in an 8-quart pot with 32 ounces of distilled water. She said that I could use bottled spring water as a substitute if I couldn’t get distilled water. By happenstance, I used two 16-oz. bottles of Evian Spring Water. Did you ever notice that Evian spelled backwards spells naive? That should have been a warning for me that something would go wrong.
I was to spit into the pot and then say the words…well I’m not going to tell you what I was supposed to say since I did pay for this potion and don’t feel it is appropriate to give it away for free. Anyway, I said “Hair be gone, Hair be near, Hair be over what’s bare appear”… Oops, forget I just told you that.
Anyway, after I said the words, I was supposed to heat the pot with all the ingredients, stirring only three times for exactly seven minutes, and then take it off of the heating source and pour the entire contents into a bowl that was sitting in a tub of ice. Though dry ice was preferred, she said that regular ice would work, it would only take a little longer for the mixture to gel.
When it gelled I was to force strain what was left through a colander and then store it in a sealed jar in the refrigerator for at least 29 days.
For this, I had paid $5,000. It had a 30-day money-back guarantee. The thing is I’ve never been very good at math and didn’t pick up on the fact that the 29 day wait period and the 3 days it was supposed to take to work was more than 30 days. Now you understand the naive part.
I waited the 29 days, took the potion out of the fridge, and then I realized that I was missing something. I was missing the part that tells you what to do with the potion. And of course, that was also the part of the instructions that had all of the old woman’s contact information on it. She had no web presence, so there was no way to get in touch with her. I went to the storefront that I had purchased this potion, and it was all boarded up, no one was there. I was beginning to be concerned that this might have been a scam.
All I knew was that it was supposed to take 3 days before I could use it. But do I drink this glop, if so how much and how often? Do I slather it on my head? Oh did I forget to mention that this potion was to deal with my seriously receding hairline? Anyway, so putting it on my head would make sense. Did it only work on humans?
I decided to test some of these theories out before I attempted to use the product. First and foremost I decided that drinking this mess with motor oil and prune juice in it was not going to happen regardless of its effectiveness. I did leave a small dollop of it on my front porch, figuring if any wild animal felt like taking a bite I might be able to see if that would have been the route to take.
As to putting it on something, I smeared some on my bowling ball, figuring if it grew hair on a bowling wall, that was the way to go. Not quite sure what I would do with a hairy bowling ball, but that didn’t work anyway.
If it needed a living being to work, I thought about putting some on my cat, but she already sheds way too much hair. Giving her more hair just seemed like a lot of extra work for me, I decided to find a part of my body other than my head and see if it worked there. I tried to think of a very inconspicuous part of my body to try it on. Let’s just say that it worked and now I need to get a larger-sized right shoe, or else I have to shave my foot every 12 hours.
Having gotten the answer that I needed and how effective this potion was I decided not to use it on my head. I can live with my receding hairline, in fact, I hear going bald is the in thing nowadays.
As an endnote, when the potion I produced ran out, so did the hair growth on my foot, which would have meant I would have had to keep making this potion to keep my hairline the way I wanted it and to use it forever. Once you add up the cost of the ingredients (I still don’t know why you need a wing) and how often you have to refill the jar, I guess a $5,000 test run was a good investment.
Now if I can only find a way to make myself taller. Do you know anyone with a potion or spell?
