You’ve Got a Friend in Me…
When I was growing up, my father always used to tell me that I had no friends, I only had acquaintances. I thought I had friends. Growing up through elementary school there was David K., Ronald M., and Mark R. from school, and in the neighborhood and my apartment building, there was Juda A., Donny R., and my next-door neighbors Bernie F. and Robby K. They were always close in age to me and I did play with them. However, were they friends?
I had a lot more people I interacted with in Junior High School and High School, though the only ones that I remember actually doing things with were Juda and Jeffrey F. I went over to their houses and Juda went to mine also. Does that define them as friends?
When college came along there were a whole new set of people that I interacted with, too many to name, though I remember most of their names.
Following college, there were colleagues in teaching and technology consulting. Parents of some of my students. And other people connected to me through my music and writing organizations and groups. But are they just colleagues and acquaintances or are they friends? Or both?
According to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of “friend” is: 1.a favored companion 2. one attached to another by affection or esteem. 3. acquaintance.
On Facebook, I have 595 friends. Some of those people are family (not friends), others are connected in some way through my life experiences or interests. Three of those friends that are from my junior high school/high school days. They obviously remembered me when I discovered them and I requested them to be friends, though when I knew them growing up, I didn’t do much with them outside of school. One of them, Steve, was a character that I put into one of my pieces of writing in 7th grade, which he did remember. Seven of my Facebook friends are from my freshman and sophomore years at college. They do remember me, though most of their Facebook posts are done publicly rather than specific to me.
And I have lots and of people that are teachers, storytellers, writers, musicians, parents, and the like that I have known and worked with, and others that may know of me but have never met me, and those that might know me through my writing or telling, but have met me only virtually or at conferences. And then there are those that just accept my friend request, as they do everyone that asks, and have no clue who I am.
So the question to still ask is do I have real friends? Which is what my father was inferring when I was young. The answer is I have no idea.
That is not exactly true. I consider a number of people that I know as true friends. There are a handful of people that I communicate with and we share life experiences together. At the top of that list is Christina, my wife. Even if we weren’t married, I would still seek her out to share my life with, turn to, give and receive comfort in times of need. After that, there would have to be Bill S., Nancy W., Toni T., Sylvia K., and my daughter-in-law’s parents. These are all people that I’ve worked with and continue to interact with. And by interaction, I don’t mean a one-way street. It’s not just me being the one that makes all the contact, though at times it seems that way. There may be more that I might have missed. I’m sure if they read this they’ll remind me.
And then there are the others. I would like to consider them friends, but to me being a friend is a mutual thing. At times it seems that any interaction with some colleagues and friends from a previous time in my life only happens when I initiate the contact or am in a group with them. We certainly act friendly towards each other and share stuff with each other at that time, but if we’re not in a group together at any other time, we don’t interact. So are they friends or acquaintances, as my father had defined everyone I interacted with?
Maybe I’m being very self-centered. Maybe the definition of a friend should be much broader. Maybe the definition of “friend” is a fluid one. One that defines itself at any given moment in time, for certainly there are modified versions of “friend” such as life-long friends, which clearly, though not for a full lifetime, I have some. There are also common experience friends as well as common age/time period friends. Those last types of friends may be long-lasting as remembrances, but over time are just that, memories. Friends that either by distance or time have moved on to other friendships.
So how do you define “a friend”? And if a person is on your list, would you be on their list?
As for me, maybe we should just use the criteria for a friend, that Randy Newman used in the movie, Toy Story, that being mutual support and caring:
You’ve got a friend in me
Yeah, You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, I’ve got ‘em too.
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through
Cause you’ve got a friend in me.
