Fiddle Faddle

Fiddle Faddle from a Fiddlehead

I was a concert violin. I played second fiddle to no one. There wasn’t another string instrument that could match the pitch, the tone, or the purity of the notes that I played. It didn’t matter if I was used by a rank amateur or a polished great, I was awesome.

I have to give some credit to the bow that was used on me. It was a classic bow. It was personally carved and designed by the great François Tourte, better known as the Stradivari of the bow. His bow vibrated my catgut strings in such a way that they resonated throughout my belly bringing forth the beautiful music that would fill concert halls and palaces.

Yes, I was a concert violin. Then he came along and everything changed. I don’t know what it was. It could have been the grime on his fingers, the rash on his neck, the sneeze that erupted from his being that engulfed me and permeated the core of my ancient body.  But after he played me, nothing was the same.

I became allergic to animal products, such as those that came from horses and sheep. You know what that means. I can no longer use strings made out of catgut. I need to have synthetic strings. Strings that are made in a lab, for heaven’s sake. Beginners use those types of strings.  And the sounds they make are much louder and tinny. Not something that a concert orchestra is looking for.

Did I mention that I am now also allergic to the tree sap they use in making rosin? It’s bad enough that they have to use a fiberglass bow with synthetic hair on me now, but if any of the rosin on those hairs flakes off into my f’en hole, I’m doomed. We now play scratchy, itchy noises, not music.

It’s not fair. All I get used for now is Suzuki songs played by little kids. There are just so many times that one can play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, even with its multitude of variations, before I become “unfit as a fiddle” and unwilling to face the music. 

My last hope is this new gig I’m going to be used for. I’ll be playing some background music for some cough syrup commercial. Maybe that will give me more exposure back in the real world and I’ll be chosen to do more classy music gigs.

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Author’s post note:

The jingle that the violin was used for was to boost sales of a horrible tasting, but miraculous and quick-acting cough syrup, Coffin-Free. Here are the lyrics (sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star):

You have a cough; it gets you down

Try Coffin-Free™ and lose your frown

Just one taste will help you through

You’ll be well and good as new

The taste’s not great, might smell like swine

But the cost is cheap and you’ll be fine.

Needless to say, the cough syrup company went bankrupt and the violin was never heard from again.